Gratitude challenge - Day 2

Today, I'm really grateful for work-provided insurance. I have a high deductible plan that I dump money into from each paycheck, so I pay the out-of-pocket cost for most things, but frankly, it's lovely to have tax-free money I can use for medical expenses. I had to go to the doctor today and for approximately 15 minutes of actual doctor time, I got to pay $281. That doesn't include the cost of medication or the $140 they pulled from my HSA just to book the appointment, but whatever. At least I wasn't sad about it. Except in theory because of the ridiculousness of the medical system and the fact that I think doctors are horrendously overpaid. I digress... I'm grateful for health insurance and for savings accounts.

Gratitude Challenge - Day 1

Supposedly, one of the cures for depression is gratitude, which I find to be a fascinating claim, albeit one with very few peer-reviewed support. Perhaps because "being grateful" is a nebulous term or perhaps because I didn't feel like putting a ton of effort into researching the question. Anyway, theoretically, this will keep me happier and writing more frequently, so there's no real downside, is there? Onto day 1 of the 30 day gratitude challenge.

I'm grateful for computers. I have something like 3 computers at my house right now that I use for various purposes (1 for work, 1 for gaming -- dedicated graphics card is awesome, and 1 for personal work). Most things I do require a computer and the majority of my interactions are computer-based (not my fault I travel for work a lot and email constantly), so I'm glad to be computer-literate. 

Movies

It's weird how much of what you become and are comes from your parents and family. I watched Beauty and the Beast this morning and it just made me feel... good. Safe. Warm. Thinking back on it (because of course I have to analyze everything), I realized that it reminds me of my parents. Of being young. Of going to a movie theater with my family for one of the first times I remember and having a little kid exclaim at the end "He looks like Jesus!". Which we're all thinking. It reminds me of trips to voice lessons with my mother, trying to learn to sing "Tale as Old as Time", encouragements by both of my parents to read, conversations about original fairy tales and taking care of family as one of the core values to be embraced.

So, of course, this is leading to me tearing up at work because one movie sums up everything I loved about my childhood, but still. Movies.

Twitter

Sometimes I wish I was on Twitter because I have a lot of thoughts I would like to share with the world, but I'm not because then my thoughts would be out there... At the Library of Congress. FOREVER. Or until they realize that not all the thoughts of this generation are gems and keepers. I mean, yes, I'd like to tweet about how my skin hurts and is that weird? Or about how I feel bad for my coworkers as I eat a sandwich as quietly as possible or all the other things I believe are HILARIOUS, but in reality are not. So, actually you're welcome, internet, for me not subjecting you to a steady stream of my non-hilarious thoughts.

But still, sorry co-workers. I'm taking an early lunch break and eating my sandwich at my desk. I only have 15 minutes if I want to leave early, so....

Let's be honest here...

Sometimes, I'm mostly crazy. Why else would I be working in the middle of the night even though I have to go to work tomorrow, then get on a plane directly after work to visit someone who may or may not pick me up? I've also thrown in lunch with S. even though I'm overbooked from 11:00 - 2:00 and my flight leaves fairly soon after that. Yep. Crazy. Insane. Obsessive. I am, always have been and likely always will be.

It's the middle of the night, so why not overshare? Here is my sad story which has made me terrified of hanging out with people. Prepare to be horrified, future me. That's what the edit button is for.

The Saddest Story

So, once upon a time, I was madly in love (eh... Vaguely in love? Obsessed with someone?) with this guy. Who was a tool. Let's call him T-bag. 

So, I was fairly young and T-bag was older... Perfect age gap and everything. I didn't have a car and T-bag lived an hour away from me. One day - and honestly, I can't remember if I decided to do this or if it was requested - I decided that it would be completely reasonable to go visit T-bag after school and work because he was so awesome, perfect, funny... Whatever. Yes, we all make terrible mistakes at times. 

Anyway, I'm still awake enough to not finish this story. It involves a lot of buses, being forgotten at a bus station, having to take additional buses to meet up with this gem and hiding in a basement. I was an idiot. 

The moral of the story is that I now hate and I mean HATE being dependent on other people to pick me up from anything or have expectations that they will in any way shape or form be reasonable. I mean, most people are. The only person's who's ever ditched me at an airport is my best friend of like... over a decade and it was ditched only insofar as she didn't show up to say hi in time when I had a two hour layover. I was displeased, but not terribly surprised. Flakiness is not a deterrent to friendship. I can be... flaky-ish at times. Like I'll show up for things, but I'll probably get lost on the way. Years of being ridiculously late because I got off on the wrong highway exit and didn't realize I was going the wrong way have made me obsessive when it comes to being on time for really important things like work and interviews and such. It's taken a while, though...

*** Sidenote, I just googled myself to see if this would show up and one of the results was a wikipedia entry for Karl Rove. What is that about? I'd love to hang out with Karl Rove, honestly. 

Yeah, so it's taken me forever to get the hang of this being on time thing. And I still only really do it for work and other official things. That may be why traveling is so stressful for me. You're always super dependent on others, whether it be friends, family, that limo driver, etc. Whatever. I have no clue what I'm saying right now. It'll be good.

More unfiltered thoughts

• I hate google. I really do. At no point in my life have I thought "You know what? I don't think all the information about me is in a centralized enough location. I wish some internet giant somewhere would take it upon themselves to gather everything I've done, everything I've reviewed and every search I've made and will ever make and just put it somewhere. For people to see. Because I'm proud of my life and want people to know that I just searched for 'how to take a screenshot on my phone'." That has never happened. 
• My favorite website, Mr. Money Mustache, is not available. I don't think I understand the internet anymore. Seriously internet. I am this close to going back to pen, paper and encyclopedias. YOU ARE ON THIN ICE.
• I honestly don't think the internet takes my threats seriously. 
• I once was on a diet. Ha. That's funny. I'm constantly pretending to be on a diet. Um, but yeah. I was on a diet recently and I lost weight and then I was all "Hey, I'll eat whatever I want in large quantities" and now I feel sick. And fat. I did finish off that box of Klondike bars, so I guess temptation gone. Also, if I spend the entirety of tomorrow asleep, it'll be good. 
• The internet punished me by taking away my chat. Joke's on you, internet. I don't have anyone to chat to anyway. Sucka foo'. I'm not sure how to type that. I feel like erasing it, but that's not unfiltered at all. I'm going to strike it through. 
• One time, I was playing a game and got really attached to a completely  pointless NPC. I still think about Percy from time to time. 
• "Anyone who isn't us is an enemy." To some extent, I subscribe to this philosophy. I suspect people might be surprised at who I consider part of "us".
• 
  

Unfiltered thoughts

I don't think anyone's reading this, so this will be a fun little experiment in random thought publishing. There's a possibility potential employers will read this and will think I'm crazy, so it may backfire, but on the other hand, at least my page views will go up. Go optimism power! Activate!

• I accidentally made someone think I had a learning disability today. It's a weird thing. There's really not much you can do at that point. You can't back out and say "Oh no, I don't have a learning disability". Because then they'll think you're just ashamed of your admission. Not that I said I had a learning disability. I  said my mind didn't work the same as other people's according to the personality tests I took. Which is true. But it's not bad. There's nothing wrong with being a mastermind. Or overly logical and cautious. That's a good thing, right? But he clearly took it to mean "The tests told me I was retarded mentally." Which is a scientific term. Or used to be. And his response was "Don't let them tell you you're not good enough. You tell them you're awesome! You're wonderful!" And you know that overly cheery encouragements = oh, you poor thing. It's no "Walker told me I have aids", but still. Heh. Walker. Yeah. No way to really backtrack without sounding like a douche. Sidebar. Why is being a douche such a bad thing? 
• Sometimes I think it would be nice to be a little old lady and just say whatever I want. There's a guy on the train that I want to pat on the head and say "aren't you the sweetest thing", but I can't because I'm under 60. Or 70. But I have a soft spot for angry look guys with long hair who drum as they listen to music. When I'm 60, man. I will be able to pinch their angry little cheeks. With the straggly little beards.
• I'm really not looking forward to 60. I'm pretty sure you die after you're 30. I have no desire to ever be thirty. It's a thing. Oh, gods. I'm having a panic attack. 
• I'd say "This is why I'm single". But I'm not single. Why do people date me? What is wrong with them?! I'm clearly unwell. 
• I turned my phone off because my battery keeps dying. Is there more to that thought? No. Not really. Just a thought. 
• I've been playing this game on my phone and computer. It's become easy. I am disappointed. And also, unless I have a competitor... or money... I am hard to motivate. 
• YAY! Train end time. Very short thoughts. I'd post them on facebook but then everyone would know. EVERYONE would know. 
• I really want a hair cut like Black Widow in CA. Yeah.