Sunday, August 12, 2012

Astrid is not an addict

This is not a picture of a cat doing cocaine. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't even know where to get cocaine. Or maybe she would because she was a street cat, but she's never talked to me about it if she does. Not that she talks to me at all. But yeah, she's not on drugs. This was likely just cream that I had stuffed her nose into. She was probably really happy about. But general levels of happiness. Not drug levels of happiness.

Why yes, coworker, I do find your behavior unreasonable

For some ungodly reason, I am at work right now. And alert. Usually, at 3:06 am, my main thoughts are "Why are there no blankets on me?" or "Next time, I will definitely get this done while at work", but not today. Today, I'm working at my little mental institution (It's not mine because I own it or because I live there, even though I've had conversations with people where they've told me that they suspect that I really am a patient/client and I've just tricked everyone into believing that I'm an employee even though I never wear a badge and my bosses never actually see me... Anyway... They're wrong. But if they were right, I'd be the most awesome crazy person ever and as such, I probably shouldn't even be a patient, so really, I would be doing the entire place a favor.) and started the nightly cleaning. Apparently, that was a signal for my coworker, previously asleep in front of the tv, that he should start his cleaning. Which is ridiculous because the entire purpose of having two people employed on the graveyard shift is so that one of them can stay at the desk and answer the phones while the other one does some cleaning. With every other person I've worked with, this has been implied and seemingly makes sense. Not with this guy. EVERY SINGLE TIME. He does this. Invariably, I come back to the desk to answer phones and rant about how he's weird. Let's not even talk about the fact that he carries a club around that he's a little weird.


Anyway, it's not a big deal and I should be less annoyed. We're clearly very different, by which I mean that I am anal retentive and he is completely oblivious to the purpose of his job. He also empties the trash from my side of the facility, which is weird. Unless he cleans only the side that I am working on... Whatever.

The highlight of my day so far (the last three hours, not yesterday) has been finding out that Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a half is not actually dead. Or at least wasn't 3 or so months ago. See! Yay! I'm glad for her. Also, I have a lot of anxiety about bloggers talking about mental illnesses online. Not because they shouldn't, because they totally can and should if they feel comfortable doing so. I know it always makes me feel better to know that other people experience the same weirdness as I do. (On a somewhat related note, S and I were reading Let's Pretend This Never Happened, the book by The Bloggess and I knew what a cistern was and told S that I had one and that it was awesome and then I realized that I didn't actually have a cistern as a child because we had a reservoir, which was likely much bigger than a cistern. And also that I am not the only person who will hide in a bathroom when faced with social situations I don't understand. There are a lot of them. It's usually fine, though, unless it's a funeral, in which case, I freak out because being in the same room as a dead body and chatting is weird to me and I don't think it really is helpful behavior, unless by helpful people mean "making sure this person isn't a zombie because they aren't moving". So that funeral was accompanied by me freaking out in the bathroom until it was over and calling my parents and sobbing because all the people were weird and there was death and it smelled like death and I couldn't leave because I had to be supportive, but I wasn't being supportive because I was hiding in a bathroom when I really should have been with S and talking to my in-laws about their loss, but I couldn't do that because of the aforementioned sobbing and the slight shrieking. So, yeah. I think funerals cause me to have panic attacks. Or maybe just that one. I don't go to a lot of funerals. I think I've been to one prior to that one and I don't remember much about it except that I wore a dress I stole from my mother that I still wear to church periodically and I was trying to be sad even though I didn't really know my great-grandfather. If I could go back, I would tell 8 year old me to stop worrying that I couldn't summon sadness because I would eventually be able to summon a lot of sadness at everything because I developed so much guilt over not being sad enough about things over the years. I can't remember where I was going with this. Maybe I'm not as alert as I thought. I use too many ellipses. I would strike them through so that I could show how many ellipses I use, but periods don't really work that way.)


So, yeah. Bloggers talking about mental illness. I think it's great, but I do wonder if it helps that people come out of the woodwork and are all "You think you have it bad? Well, let me tell you about how bad I have it and will continue to have it. Also, I love you so much." The last part is probably really helpful, but the rest bugs me. Whenever I read posts about people with depression or anxiety, I feel like I should tell them that they aren't alone and that might help, but at the same time, nobody experiences everything the same. I know I've felt really upset when people have tried to empathize with me before. I'll be in the middle of telling someone that I'm sad about something and don't feel well, and they'll chime in with their own sad story, which makes me feel like I should be focusing on them instead of me. Can't people just have their own sadness and have others just be supportive? I mean, I think that stories with concrete "this is how I got out of this" or "and then I felt better, so you can too" are helpful, but I'm not so sure about the stories about people who have struggled for years. I know that doesn't usually help me. It just makes me feel like I'm a whiny b****. Oh, ABC, how I love you for making that a reasonable thing to say and type.


The guy is cleaning all the things. Or at least mopping all the things, which is weird because he's not mopping it the way I would do it and I wanted to clean. I STARTED CLEANING ALREADY, you jerk! Normally, I wouldn't be mad at someone doing my job for me, but in this case I am. He's not doing it to the standard that I would do it and I usually use my cleaning time as zen-music listening staying awake time. I don't understand why he can't just be better. I'm sure he thinks the same thing about me. I bet he's thinking that I'm just this lazy person right now who always stops working right when he starts in an attempt to get him to do my job. ARGH. I hate all the things right now. I would call S except it's 3:30 in the morning and last time I made a decision at that time, I ended up with felons almost living in my house. Which I'd be fine with except that I'm pretty sure it would be a conflict of interest due to my other jobs.

*** UPDATE*** He totally did not do his job at all. Which is mopping the floor in the entryway. He really does just do things that I've already started to do. What is the deal with that? Is he unaware of what his job is? Probably. What do I DO?!!! Anxiety setting in. Do I do the stuff that he should have done? Because I don't want to and I don't think that's fair. Also, the mop has disappeared. But the people coming in the morning are super-picky and also hate me because I dodge their phone calls. AHHHHH....


So yeah... Less alert than I thought I was. Just full of unreasonable anger. Maybe the unreasonable coworker is me. I wish I could convey tone through type. That last sentence would be artificially sincere and be all sarcastic. Also, if you're awake right now, S, go to sleep. Just because I'm not hogging the tv with korean soap operas does not mean you should play Skyrim all night. Actually, whatever. You're an adult. I can't really fault you for doing whatever you want. Because again. ADULT.


I think I'm going to read more funny blogs now. Or keep reading that book. Maybe ponder my goals and my lack of progress on them.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Last Year vs. This Year

I subscribe to a service called Penzu, which allows me to journal online and, for some odd reason, also sends me updates about what I wrote in my journal years ago on the same day. Today, I got an update about two years ago, when I was in the middle of bar preparation and pondering my week. I thought I'd set a schedule to see how I've advanced... Or not. 
2012


Monday: July 2


6:30 - 7:30 Prepare for work
7:30 - 6:00 Work
6:30 - 7:30 Dinner - I forgot to defrost the chicken, so... soup, salad and pasta it is/ Water plants
7:30 - 8:00 Clean up from dinner
8:00 - 9:00 Hang out with S.
10:00 - 5:30 Sleep




Tuesday: July 3
 6:30 - 8:00 Balloons with S. 
8:00 - 8:30 Grocery shopping
8:30 - 12:30 Work
12:30  - 5:00 Movie watching or going home. If movies, Magic Mike and Spiderman; if home, unpacking games and cleaning
5:00 - 7:00 Freedom days and colonial fest  with S. 
7:00 - 10:00 Cooking and cleaning
11:00 - 8:00 Sleep


Wednesday: July 4
8:00 - 10:00 Clean and set up
10:00 - 12:00 Read
12:00 - 2:00 Set up better - Cook
2:30 - 6:30 Games and food
6:30 - 10:30 Unknown
11:00 - 6:30 Sleep


Thursday: July 5
7:30 - 6:00 Work
6:30 - 8:30 Cook, clean, eat
8:30 - 10:30 Sit around with S
10:30- 6:30 Sleep



2010 
Friday: July 2
5:30-8:30 Balloons with S.
9:30 - 2:00 Sleep
2:15-7:00 am Work
Saturday July 3
7:30- 2:00 Sleep
2:15-7:00 am: Work
Sunday July 4
7:30- 2:00 Sleep
2:15-10:30 Work
10:30-7:30 Sleep
Monday July 5
8:30- 11:00 Parade
12:00-2:00 Bar Review: Contracts 2
2:15-10:45 Work
11:00-7:15 Sleep
Tuesday July 6
8:00-12:00 Contracts 3
12:00-1:00 Lunch
1:00 - 5:00 Real Property 1
5:00 - 6:00 Dinner
6:00 - 10:00 Real Property 2
Wednesday July 7
7:00 - 10:00 Real Property 3
10:00- 12:00 S. or something
12:00 - 2:00 Idaho Essay and MPT workshop
2:15 - 10:45 Work






In theory, I have a lot less to do this year, but in practice, I feel much more overwhelmed this year than when I knew what to study and what to do at work. I like my job a lot now, but it's really not as low-key as my previous one. Especially with the driving. Maybe I'll just move. That'll solve my problems, right? Except that I am just starting a yard renewal thing... Oh well...

Monday, June 25, 2012

Challenges

No, this is not a post about my life sucking, which to be fair, it really doesn't lately. I have been struggling with things that stem completely from my view of the world and some issues I've had in the past, but rationally speaking, my life is fine right now.

That being said, this summer is shaping up to be one of the busiest I've had in a while because of my new job, not counting that summer where I did three internships in three different cities, two of them simultaneously. So, in order to suck the marrow from the bones of the meager time I have to myself, I'm planning on some challenges that will motivate me. First, a caveat. (I really shouldn't say first because I haven't been keeping on topic very well, so it really should be third or fourth or something. But I digress... Again.) I have a nasty tendency to be really "into" things for brief periods of time, whether it be a particular person who I just have to hang out with because I think they're the bee's knees; a type of food that I just adore (my sushi kick comes to mind); or tv shows that I watch in a week (in order of descending recentness: Boys Over Flowers; Bones; Arrested Development; Raising Hope; My Name is Earl; countless anime, etc...). It's a ridiculous habit and usually ends with me not being interested in that person; food; or thing for a really long time after the initial infatuation. Wreaks definite havoc on my relationships. (Speaking of, I recently became a regular at a little cafe where I work and the people started to know my name and orders before I put them in and do some kind of version of the whole Greek Opa thing when I came in. Then, I got really freaked out and decided they were probably spitting in my food because I rarely tip them because I don't usually have cash and they don't give me the receipts to sign. Which I really think is their own fault. They would get more tips if they made people sign. I'm not opposed to tipping... I just don't carry cash. So I think it would be unfair to spit in my food, but I ordered a loaded baked potato and one end of it was foamy, which could have been melted butter, but because I'm not sure that it was melted butter and not spit, I've decided not to go there unless they have a really delicious lunch special and if they do, I'll just call it in instead of email and then definitely tip. I also just realized that I no longer have any cash, which is probably from my inability to do math and also giving S my cash to buy shaved ice... Which brings me back to the topic at hand.) (Just looking at that giant wall of text makes me feel bad for S. He says he likes to hear me talk and I really hope he does because it is HARD to get me to stop talking when I get started.)

*** Update. I just found another place near my work that has Greek food and daily specials. Woot! Except I'll have to work longer because I typically don't get a lunch hour. But still... Lemon chicken over rice plus a Greek salad sounds delicious


Okay. Starting over again. Challenges for the summer... Because I like to get things done and blog about how cool (or sucky) I am.

1. Taste every single flavor at the snow cone shack near our house. Not the fancy one. The cheap one. And rate them. Estimated cost: at $1.50 per cone, probably around $90
2. Watch  all of Angel
3. Run a mile without getting out of breath
4. Fit into a size 4.
5. Eat a whole bountiful basket in a week

So, that's the plan for this summer so far... I'll bet I add more on eventually.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

In which the kittens take over

I think I started writing a post about summer plans recently. I could look back at my posts and figure out if I actually did post it, but right now I'm lazy. S is taking a shower and I'm debating going into work today. I had initially planned on going in on Thursday and Friday, but I have no real plans for today, other than playing Skyrim, which isn't necessarily a great thing. Life is pretty good right now though.

I started fostering cats and kittens, with S's dubious approval and it's been a crazy experience. Those tiny kittens are fairly monstrous at times, but also just so cute! I can't help but post pictures. S's pictures because mine are usually horrible.



That is Henry. Who is still with us because he's apparently anorexic. Not a demon cat. He's all hair and bones. He gained some weight, then got into a plant and started vominting off the weight. Sure, the humane society says that he's just the runt and will get better now that his siblings are gone, but he can't fool me. He clearly has an eating disorder and needs kitty therapy.











There. The saga of the kittens and their mom, Astrid. I loved having them around, but it's been a real relief to know that they're finally gone and at good homes. 4 of the kittens were returned to the Humane Society, and all 4 of them were adopted in 4 days. Now, we just have to work on getting Astrid and Henry out of here and adopted by good pet parents. How could anyone resist those cute gray faces, though?

Just for good measure, though....

Henry... In all his non-demonic glory.


Saturday, January 28, 2012

In Which I Post Because I'm Not a Great Person

I don't have anything of any real incidence to say tonight, but S posted, so I feel like I should as well. I did say that I wasn't a great person. It's fairly hard to motivate me, other than by presenting me with a competition or telling me that I'll be able to sleep more. I'm not sure S knows that this is a competition, but as of now, it totally is.
I'm kidding. It's not a competition. That would be ridiculous. Competing with a blog writer who has no idea I'm doing it would be just silly. Ha... *nervous laughter*

I work in a  mental health institution (among other things, including starting a law firm... I need to actually talk to my first potential client... Hum) and lately, that's been causing me a lot of anxiety. Not because it's hard, or even because 3 people went to the hospital during my shift last week... I don't think talking to me would cause normal people to lose their minds, so it really can only be their own fault. *more nervous laughter*.

No. The real problem is that I'm afraid I'm losing my mind here because I keep measuring myself on the same bar as they measure the SPMI population (I believe those letters stand for seriously persistently mentally ill population). For instance, my daily monologue has gone from "Did I challenge myself today? How am I moving towards my goals?" to "Did I get out of bed today? Did I crap myself? Yes and No. Great. Good to go." That makes things that I always wanted to do, but didn't because they would seem crazy suddenly seem more accepptable. For example, laughing loudly at my own internal monolgue used to be a no-no, but now, if I have my clothes on, I think that's probably okay. Among other things I now find acceptable: hiding in the bathroom when I don't want to deal
with clients, random outbursts of words I find nice-sounding, calling my husband "corporal kitten-face", and the list goes on and on.

I'm afraid for myself. Very afraid.