Gratitude challenge - Day 2

Today, I'm really grateful for work-provided insurance. I have a high deductible plan that I dump money into from each paycheck, so I pay the out-of-pocket cost for most things, but frankly, it's lovely to have tax-free money I can use for medical expenses. I had to go to the doctor today and for approximately 15 minutes of actual doctor time, I got to pay $281. That doesn't include the cost of medication or the $140 they pulled from my HSA just to book the appointment, but whatever. At least I wasn't sad about it. Except in theory because of the ridiculousness of the medical system and the fact that I think doctors are horrendously overpaid. I digress... I'm grateful for health insurance and for savings accounts.

Gratitude Challenge - Day 1

Supposedly, one of the cures for depression is gratitude, which I find to be a fascinating claim, albeit one with very few peer-reviewed support. Perhaps because "being grateful" is a nebulous term or perhaps because I didn't feel like putting a ton of effort into researching the question. Anyway, theoretically, this will keep me happier and writing more frequently, so there's no real downside, is there? Onto day 1 of the 30 day gratitude challenge.

I'm grateful for computers. I have something like 3 computers at my house right now that I use for various purposes (1 for work, 1 for gaming -- dedicated graphics card is awesome, and 1 for personal work). Most things I do require a computer and the majority of my interactions are computer-based (not my fault I travel for work a lot and email constantly), so I'm glad to be computer-literate. 

Movies

It's weird how much of what you become and are comes from your parents and family. I watched Beauty and the Beast this morning and it just made me feel... good. Safe. Warm. Thinking back on it (because of course I have to analyze everything), I realized that it reminds me of my parents. Of being young. Of going to a movie theater with my family for one of the first times I remember and having a little kid exclaim at the end "He looks like Jesus!". Which we're all thinking. It reminds me of trips to voice lessons with my mother, trying to learn to sing "Tale as Old as Time", encouragements by both of my parents to read, conversations about original fairy tales and taking care of family as one of the core values to be embraced.

So, of course, this is leading to me tearing up at work because one movie sums up everything I loved about my childhood, but still. Movies.

Twitter

Sometimes I wish I was on Twitter because I have a lot of thoughts I would like to share with the world, but I'm not because then my thoughts would be out there... At the Library of Congress. FOREVER. Or until they realize that not all the thoughts of this generation are gems and keepers. I mean, yes, I'd like to tweet about how my skin hurts and is that weird? Or about how I feel bad for my coworkers as I eat a sandwich as quietly as possible or all the other things I believe are HILARIOUS, but in reality are not. So, actually you're welcome, internet, for me not subjecting you to a steady stream of my non-hilarious thoughts.

But still, sorry co-workers. I'm taking an early lunch break and eating my sandwich at my desk. I only have 15 minutes if I want to leave early, so....

Let's be honest here...

Sometimes, I'm mostly crazy. Why else would I be working in the middle of the night even though I have to go to work tomorrow, then get on a plane directly after work to visit someone who may or may not pick me up? I've also thrown in lunch with S. even though I'm overbooked from 11:00 - 2:00 and my flight leaves fairly soon after that. Yep. Crazy. Insane. Obsessive. I am, always have been and likely always will be.

It's the middle of the night, so why not overshare? Here is my sad story which has made me terrified of hanging out with people. Prepare to be horrified, future me. That's what the edit button is for.

The Saddest Story

So, once upon a time, I was madly in love (eh... Vaguely in love? Obsessed with someone?) with this guy. Who was a tool. Let's call him T-bag. 

So, I was fairly young and T-bag was older... Perfect age gap and everything. I didn't have a car and T-bag lived an hour away from me. One day - and honestly, I can't remember if I decided to do this or if it was requested - I decided that it would be completely reasonable to go visit T-bag after school and work because he was so awesome, perfect, funny... Whatever. Yes, we all make terrible mistakes at times. 

Anyway, I'm still awake enough to not finish this story. It involves a lot of buses, being forgotten at a bus station, having to take additional buses to meet up with this gem and hiding in a basement. I was an idiot. 

The moral of the story is that I now hate and I mean HATE being dependent on other people to pick me up from anything or have expectations that they will in any way shape or form be reasonable. I mean, most people are. The only person's who's ever ditched me at an airport is my best friend of like... over a decade and it was ditched only insofar as she didn't show up to say hi in time when I had a two hour layover. I was displeased, but not terribly surprised. Flakiness is not a deterrent to friendship. I can be... flaky-ish at times. Like I'll show up for things, but I'll probably get lost on the way. Years of being ridiculously late because I got off on the wrong highway exit and didn't realize I was going the wrong way have made me obsessive when it comes to being on time for really important things like work and interviews and such. It's taken a while, though...

*** Sidenote, I just googled myself to see if this would show up and one of the results was a wikipedia entry for Karl Rove. What is that about? I'd love to hang out with Karl Rove, honestly. 

Yeah, so it's taken me forever to get the hang of this being on time thing. And I still only really do it for work and other official things. That may be why traveling is so stressful for me. You're always super dependent on others, whether it be friends, family, that limo driver, etc. Whatever. I have no clue what I'm saying right now. It'll be good.

More unfiltered thoughts

• I hate google. I really do. At no point in my life have I thought "You know what? I don't think all the information about me is in a centralized enough location. I wish some internet giant somewhere would take it upon themselves to gather everything I've done, everything I've reviewed and every search I've made and will ever make and just put it somewhere. For people to see. Because I'm proud of my life and want people to know that I just searched for 'how to take a screenshot on my phone'." That has never happened. 
• My favorite website, Mr. Money Mustache, is not available. I don't think I understand the internet anymore. Seriously internet. I am this close to going back to pen, paper and encyclopedias. YOU ARE ON THIN ICE.
• I honestly don't think the internet takes my threats seriously. 
• I once was on a diet. Ha. That's funny. I'm constantly pretending to be on a diet. Um, but yeah. I was on a diet recently and I lost weight and then I was all "Hey, I'll eat whatever I want in large quantities" and now I feel sick. And fat. I did finish off that box of Klondike bars, so I guess temptation gone. Also, if I spend the entirety of tomorrow asleep, it'll be good. 
• The internet punished me by taking away my chat. Joke's on you, internet. I don't have anyone to chat to anyway. Sucka foo'. I'm not sure how to type that. I feel like erasing it, but that's not unfiltered at all. I'm going to strike it through. 
• One time, I was playing a game and got really attached to a completely  pointless NPC. I still think about Percy from time to time. 
• "Anyone who isn't us is an enemy." To some extent, I subscribe to this philosophy. I suspect people might be surprised at who I consider part of "us".
• 
  

Unfiltered thoughts

I don't think anyone's reading this, so this will be a fun little experiment in random thought publishing. There's a possibility potential employers will read this and will think I'm crazy, so it may backfire, but on the other hand, at least my page views will go up. Go optimism power! Activate!

• I accidentally made someone think I had a learning disability today. It's a weird thing. There's really not much you can do at that point. You can't back out and say "Oh no, I don't have a learning disability". Because then they'll think you're just ashamed of your admission. Not that I said I had a learning disability. I  said my mind didn't work the same as other people's according to the personality tests I took. Which is true. But it's not bad. There's nothing wrong with being a mastermind. Or overly logical and cautious. That's a good thing, right? But he clearly took it to mean "The tests told me I was retarded mentally." Which is a scientific term. Or used to be. And his response was "Don't let them tell you you're not good enough. You tell them you're awesome! You're wonderful!" And you know that overly cheery encouragements = oh, you poor thing. It's no "Walker told me I have aids", but still. Heh. Walker. Yeah. No way to really backtrack without sounding like a douche. Sidebar. Why is being a douche such a bad thing? 
• Sometimes I think it would be nice to be a little old lady and just say whatever I want. There's a guy on the train that I want to pat on the head and say "aren't you the sweetest thing", but I can't because I'm under 60. Or 70. But I have a soft spot for angry look guys with long hair who drum as they listen to music. When I'm 60, man. I will be able to pinch their angry little cheeks. With the straggly little beards.
• I'm really not looking forward to 60. I'm pretty sure you die after you're 30. I have no desire to ever be thirty. It's a thing. Oh, gods. I'm having a panic attack. 
• I'd say "This is why I'm single". But I'm not single. Why do people date me? What is wrong with them?! I'm clearly unwell. 
• I turned my phone off because my battery keeps dying. Is there more to that thought? No. Not really. Just a thought. 
• I've been playing this game on my phone and computer. It's become easy. I am disappointed. And also, unless I have a competitor... or money... I am hard to motivate. 
• YAY! Train end time. Very short thoughts. I'd post them on facebook but then everyone would know. EVERYONE would know. 
• I really want a hair cut like Black Widow in CA. Yeah. 

So I'm looking for a part-time job

In my quest to get enough money to someday pay off these loans, I'm trying to find a part-time job somewhere. My biggest problem is timing. While I only work 30 hours a week in theory, it ends up being more like 45 with travel. I know it's ridiculous, but that's the way it is. So, my ideal part-time job would have flexible hours, since sometimes my work requires me to be at random meetings... I'm trying to figure out what time I actually have available to work a part-time job. Well, another one.

So, my regular job requires me to be working (or in the process of getting from/to work) from 6:00 am - 6:00 pm. I try to work 3 days a week, if I can, though that changes depending on what meetings I have to attend. So, weekends would probably be good, even though Mondays are a day that I consistently have to be at work. I need to be asleep by 10:00 pm on the days before the days I'm at work, so that's something to think about.

I'd also like a job that's not too far from where I live or work now. Bleh. Sometimes I wonder about job applications for low level jobs. I mean, I don't understand why you would need a cover letter to work as a cleaning person. Is there anyone who thinks that cleaning out offices for $9.00 an hour is their life's dream? The majority of those jobs (I'm sure) are completely aware that people only apply because they need money and a flexible schedule. The jobs aren't typically hard. Just repetitive.

In the immortal words of Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

Phillip: You put the beef on the grill, hit the button, then it beeps. You flip the beef, hit the other button, then it beeps. You put it on the bun... there's not a button for that.

Buffy Summers: Repeat until insane.

As is perhaps evident, I'm not looking forward to working part-time jobs again. I mean, nothing against them, just... It sometimes feels like they don't make a dent in what I need to do. And I thought I'd kind of moved past them. The ideal scenario would be for my main job to pay more money. Enough money to pay for all my stuff and I'm working on that. I really am. I'm grateful for the work I have... It's just that it'd be easier to live if I had enough money to pay my debts. And this is not me talking. This is the federal government, which has decided that I really don't earn enough to do that and still have a reasonable life. Granted, I don't really care about their determinations, but I have stuff I want to do that I can't do without more money.

Sometimes, I wonder if I have skills that translate to money.

I don't know if I'm being morbid because of my new diet or if it's just general... I don't know, but I started thinking about what I'd do if I knew I'd die tomorrow.

The internet is full of answers about this... People who say they'd give their money to the poor, spend time with their friends, etc. The Fault in our Stars is essentially about living out your last moments until cancer kills you and all, but here's the thing... If you're dying tomorrow, that doesn't mean everyone else is. Is that going to be your legacy? That you called all your friends and family and made them super depressed about something they can't change? You're not suddenly going to have a ton of money (unless you've been saving it forever for something else) that you can access in a day. Cashing out retirement accounts and stuff takes time. People from work are still going to call and expect you to finish up your tasks and be upset that you didn't show up. I'm fairly certain my ideal last day doesn't involve dodging phone calls from my boss.


So that leaves the question... If today is really your last day... and you have the resources that you have on hand... and the people you care about don't share your fate... What do you do? This could be something that's a personal issue in my own life, but I don't have a ton of people who would drop everything because I mumble something about wanting to spend time with them. To be fair, I'm not even sure most would pick up or respond immediately, since usually there's more time later. So, is that how you spend your last day? Trying to track down people to make them spend time with you? Just because your life is ending doesn't mean they don't still have responsibilities.

I suppose you could tell them "Hey, I'm dying tomorrow, maybe let's hang out or something", but then you have to deal with the whole explaining thing, the comforting them, the "have you maybe considered getting a second opinion/not dying/anything else". Which frankly doesn't seem like fun. Because now you've wasted all that time and they're not going to be happy spending time with you because they're in shock that you're dying and super bummed about it. Or not, in which case you start to worry that maybe they don't care about you after all, so why are you spending time with these selfish jerks anyway?

It's probably simplified if you've had kids or accomplished some amazing thing in your life. Then you can die and think to yourself: "look upon my legacy; I was super awesome" and then you'll have built-in mourners. But really, most people? I mean, false confidence aside, my life's been pretty pointless, right? And not just mine... It's just that spending your time going to school, working the same job, trying to advance in your profession, pay bills, pay off student loans, have relationships that are never quite satisfying (and I'm talking on all levels) because you can never devote as much time to them as you'd like because you had to do all the things... doesn't really lead to anything exciting. Nothing that really made anyone's life better. So then, you're stuck looking at your last day and thinking "Hmm".

So yeah, Tim McGraw (? Is that who sings that song? I can't be bothered to google search) can sing about skydiving and Rocky Mountain climbing and giving forgiveness, but that only works if you've got a long time before you die (which, to be fair, he mentions in his song). If it's a day... Well, may just end up being the same crap you've done forever that is ultimately meaningless anyway. Unless you have kids. In that case, know that your death will ruin their lives forever. And maybe write them a letter. Or something. Not that anything is going to minimize the problems you'll cause.

Maybe that's the attraction of blogging. Some way to note that you were here. That you existed for a moment. That maybe someone will remember you. But... really. Probably not. Even the most successful blogs can be forgotten after a while. Hyperbole and a Half, anyone?

So yeah... Last days... Tough. Maybe being nicer to the people you interact with regularly? Hoping that'll erase a lifetime of being horrible and selfish? Giving your stuff to the poor? Theoretically, you could just write a will and not spend your time just handing it out. Watching movies you never got around to? Yeah, that'll matter in the long run. Video games... Hum. That's a definite one. Way to forget anything is going to happen to you. But really also pretty meaningless. Writing letters to people? That could be a thing. Not dying? Presumably, you'd have tried that already. Telling people you cared about them? Only works if you did. And really, is that going to matter when you're dead? Most people already know and care only vaguely about it, if at all (personal life bias, again). Doing stuff you enjoy? Yeah, that'd be great if you could. Except you probably can't or else you'd have been doing it already. I'm coming up blank. Praying is a popular internet answer. But that seems vaguely boring. If you believe in the afterlife, you'll presumably have eternity to hang out with your deity of choice and ask questions directly, so why bother with that on your last day?

I genuinely have no ideas. This is why I stopped working the suicide line. Listening makes you more depressed and the more depressed you are, the more you start thinking that maybe they have a definite point. Not all of them. Clearly. And really, not anyone who actually has a family because no matter how they seem to feel about you, again, dying is going to make their life crap. Even if they've not seen you in months. Trust me. Crap. But people who are alone? Who are certain their lives won't amount to anything. 

Yeah, so as I was writing that, I realized that I didn't agree with any of it. There's really not a good reason to kill yourself. You can never be sure stuff won't get better. And there are people who are going to die tomorrow and can't do anything about it and wish they had longer to live, so... Yeah. Not wasting opportunities that you have would be good.

But still... No answer for what to do with your last day, unless you've known about it for a while. Maybe just... Nothing?

Day 1 - The Plan

So, as I was saying yesterday, I discovered a lot of financial blogs that I enjoyed a lot and paid off my credit cards and car debt and all that jazz. Then I got depressed. I had several thousand dollars of student loan debt and a crappy salary and I was sick of being deprived, working in a cubicle and dealing with my life in general. I'm still all of those thing, btw. So, instead of paying off debt or working to be better, I gave up. I  started spending my money on visiting people and new places and just ignored the happy debt that seems to be mounting. Now, don't get me wrong, it is fun. I like seeing friends and visiting new places and doing new things. It's awesome. It's just that I realized this week that I could do more of those things if I had more money. The majority of my money right now goes to pay other people, which is completely ridiculous. Or save for retirement, which is also silly because it's unlikely that's going to happen. The getting old. Not retiring. I hope to retire sooner that I get old because I'd like to actually enjoy my free time. And the best way to do that is to pay my debts off sooner.

That brings us to the plan. As I said, I love Mr. Money Mustache and would love to be way more logical in the way I approach debt, but... Not sure that's going to happen. So, I'm going to turn to what I think is financial planning for dummies: The Dave Ramsey Method. The truth about this is that it's not great. Paying off the smallest debt with the lowest interest is definitely not the most efficient or fastest way to do anything, BUT it's better than nothing, which is what most people do. Also, his hatred of credit cards is ridiculous, unless, again, you're an idiot with low self-control. If you are, then yeah, you probably shouldn't have a credit card. So... I'm going to follow a modified version of the Baby Steps, with some advice from MMM. This is primarily because I have SOME self-control, but I also know myself well enough to realize that I'll get really depressed if I do one or the other. I was doing Dave Ramsey before, which was fine, but the truth is that it didn't make enough of a dent. I paid off debts that had very very low payments associated with them, so even though they were gone, that 43 cents I got extra every month was not enough to motivate me to be better.


So, here's the idea. I'm going to look at my debts and pay off the ones with the highest ROI first. And the ones that will give me that high first. So, first things first, gotta figure out the payments and all that. Thank goodness there's a handy little chart available at http://www.vertex42.com/Calculators/debt-reduction-calculator.html. It's an Excel table that calculates all sorts of nifty things for you.

	Creditor Information Table

	Creditor Information Table
Row	Creditor	Balance	Rate	Payment	Custom	Interest-only
1	Card #1	1,516.05	0.00%	25.00		0.00
2	Car	-	0.00%	-		0.00
3	Student Loan #1	2,326.75	1.86%	10.27		3.61
4	Student Loan #2	2,935.17	1.86%	12.96		4.55
5	Student Loan #3	7,893.80	6.30%	34.02		41.45
6	Student Loan #4	5,077.80	6.30%	21.88		26.66
7	Student Loan #5	4,680.58	6.30%	20.17		24.58
8	Student Loan #6	1,500.08	1.86%	7.39		2.33
9	Student Loan #7	8,542.17	6.55%	36.84		46.63
10	Student Loan #8	13,883.76	6.55%	59.83		75.79
11	Student Loan #10	7,601.21	6.55%	32.76		41.49
12	Student Loan	7,308.65	5.50%	98.00		33.50
13	Student Loan #9	8,557.23	6.55%	36.90		46.71
14						0.00
	Total:	71,823.25	Total:	396.02

So, according to the debt snowball (lowest balance first), I'd end up paying around $19,000 in interest and be done in May 2025 if I paid a total of $500 towards my debts each month. (Yes, I have other debts, but they're ongoing - insurance, mortgage, etc. I'm only listing things I can pay off for real here). The debt avalanche (highest interest first) would have me pay $15,000ish in interest and be done is 2024. That's vaguely better, but still not great... So...

***Side note, I probably shouldn't list that credit card on here. ***

I'm going to do a custom thing to determine how to pay it off, trying to pay off the ones that will free up the most money first, then moving to the next ones. As you can see, some of those aren't even getting paid the minimum interest, but I suspect that'll change as soon as they're done recalculating my minimums or something. 

For me, the biggest thing is probably maximizing my current earnings. I have some extra money, but an extra $200 a month could be something like $10k in interest savings. Also, no way am I taking 10 years to pay this off. That's ridiculous. I intend to be debt free by January 22, 2016. Don't know how yet, but I'm going to work on it. 

So, first things first:
- Dave Ramsey and Man vs. Debt recommendations: Sell your stuff. I'm also really fond of the Richest Man in Babylon, so I'll also be saving 10% of my income just because. So, this week (I'm having this run from Wednesday to Wednesday), I'm aiming to sell the stuff in my basement. It's been there for 2 years, so I'm clearly not using any of it. Except for my books. God help anyone who touches my books. Unless I leave the state, in which case, fine. >.>
- Optimize my income. This is a Ramit Sethi thing, which I think is often overlooked by most financial gurus. I like his stuff, but it comes with the unfortunate downside of him wanting to be paid a lot of money for his courses. I get that it's probably a great investment, blah blah blah, but I'm not in a position where paying someone 3 grand is feasible. Even if it does get a 100k job. Also, buried in his site, he has stuff like not everyone can earn 100k and explains that it's for top performers. I'm not sure I'm a top performer and unless he has some analysis out there saying that I can earn that, it may not be worth my money right now. What IS worth my money is taking the patent bar. If nothing else, I can write patents. I mean, I studied them. I really want to do copyrights and trademarks, but patents are also amusing. So, those are my things. And there may be other ways to make more money...

Money and Debts

If you ask people I know what my main characteristic is, you'd likely get an answer somewhere along the lines of "likes money". I'd say that it's inaccurate, except it's really accurate. I have other things I enjoy, of course, but money is my passion. I like reading about it, talking about, thinking about it, etc. Which makes for some uncomfortable conversations. 

When I worked in surveys, I was once told that Americans would rather discuss their sex lives than how much they make. From conversations with friends, I'm starting to believe it's true. Nobody will ever admit to how much they make, except for a select few people that I consider close friends. Now, I'm not sure if they tell me because they also consider me a close friend or if I'm more likely to be friends with people who like to discuss money, but whatever. 

*** This would be a good time to go off on a tangent and whine about how I don't really understand the bonds of friendship and how I'd like my friends to like me more, but it's hard to make someone like you more if they won't tell you how much they like you now and why is it so difficult to quantify liking because I do it all the time... Friends have levels: people you don't have to schedule anything with because whatever will be good, even if it ends up being lying on a couch talking about music, dates, or terrorizing a Walmart after midnight; people you know well enough to wear minimal clothing and  be yourself around; people who are friendly enough that you wouldn't mind spending 4-5 hours around; people who need a set activity; brunch friends, etc. Yes. I think about this a lot. Oddly enough, most people I've dated don't fall super high on this spectrum. I don't think I've ever dated someone that I felt comfortable enough to not have scheduled activities or just be myself around. Maybe that tells me something about my process for choosing romantic interests versus friends. I'm WAY pickier about friends. ANYWAY. Not going off on that tangent. Clearly. But seriously, people. LIKE ME. Not everyone. Just the people I consider to be friends. Which is not super useful because I don't think anyone reads this blog, so....

***

So, where was I? Definitely not on a tangent that is completely irrelevant to everything to do with money. Fine. Money and relationships. Those are my things. Not necessarily romantic relationships. I'm an Aquarius after all. 

Okay, so I went to law school. And though I had scholarships and stuff through my undergrad and graduate careers, my parents were essentially completely broke when I was in college, so I didn't actually get anything from them. I'd also never had a job and spent most of my time pursuing d***holes jerks, so it's not terribly surprising that I graduated from school with a lot of student loans. I've had some trouble finding a job that pays anything close to what I'd need to pay off my loans (according to the federal government), so I've been in Income Based Repayment since I graduated. I have a tendency to not be great with money, because I spend when I'm sad. Which is frequently (especially when I'm in a relationship... Hum, I'm starting to see a correlation between things). I also had a lot of debts to pay off from my first relationship (let's not talk about it), so a few years ago, I started to get serious about my life and decided to change my financial picture around. 

When I first graduated, I had a 23% car loan, among other ridiculous obligations and a very vague understanding of how student loans actually worked. I'm pretty sure I was under the impression that they were free money. Here's a tidbit for anyone who's still confused. They aren't. They actually expect you to pay that back. No matter how long you spend in school, they will still be looming over you eventually. 

So, one day... I actually remember it really clearly because I was stressed out of my mind while eating the hotel's free breakfast, I saw something about a guy who had paid off his Harvard debt in just a few years and was clearly, in all ways, better than me. Now, I hate admitting that people are better than me, so the first thing I did was look him up so I could emulate his lifestyle and beat his record, then taunting him in my head. Spoiler alert... Did not happen that way. 

But anyway, as part of my reading about his debt repayment plan, I found one of my favorite websites EVER! Mr. Money Mustache (especially his early stuff). So, I've embarked on a journey to be better. And pay off my debt so I can be free to do whatever jobs I want and pursue my other passions. Somehow... Relationships are probably improved by money, right? And vice versa. 

So, summary. Here's my financial picture, courtesy of Mint.com. 

Student Loans: $70,893.55

Credit card (0% - I use it for springy debt purposes and rewards. Can you say free trip to visit friends?): $2,267.00

Investments: $16,361.00. I'm not sure if I can count this because it's not like I can access it at all. It's all in accounts that I can't touch until I'm old. I'm not as daring as the NMHD guy. I like having retirement accounts. 

So, my goal is to pay off this crapton of debt, using my current salary of about $35,000 - $45,000 a year and any raises, new jobs, what-nots I may get.