I don't know if I'm being morbid because of my new diet or if it's just general... I don't know, but I started thinking about what I'd do if I knew I'd die tomorrow.

The internet is full of answers about this... People who say they'd give their money to the poor, spend time with their friends, etc. The Fault in our Stars is essentially about living out your last moments until cancer kills you and all, but here's the thing... If you're dying tomorrow, that doesn't mean everyone else is. Is that going to be your legacy? That you called all your friends and family and made them super depressed about something they can't change? You're not suddenly going to have a ton of money (unless you've been saving it forever for something else) that you can access in a day. Cashing out retirement accounts and stuff takes time. People from work are still going to call and expect you to finish up your tasks and be upset that you didn't show up. I'm fairly certain my ideal last day doesn't involve dodging phone calls from my boss.


So that leaves the question... If today is really your last day... and you have the resources that you have on hand... and the people you care about don't share your fate... What do you do? This could be something that's a personal issue in my own life, but I don't have a ton of people who would drop everything because I mumble something about wanting to spend time with them. To be fair, I'm not even sure most would pick up or respond immediately, since usually there's more time later. So, is that how you spend your last day? Trying to track down people to make them spend time with you? Just because your life is ending doesn't mean they don't still have responsibilities.

I suppose you could tell them "Hey, I'm dying tomorrow, maybe let's hang out or something", but then you have to deal with the whole explaining thing, the comforting them, the "have you maybe considered getting a second opinion/not dying/anything else". Which frankly doesn't seem like fun. Because now you've wasted all that time and they're not going to be happy spending time with you because they're in shock that you're dying and super bummed about it. Or not, in which case you start to worry that maybe they don't care about you after all, so why are you spending time with these selfish jerks anyway?

It's probably simplified if you've had kids or accomplished some amazing thing in your life. Then you can die and think to yourself: "look upon my legacy; I was super awesome" and then you'll have built-in mourners. But really, most people? I mean, false confidence aside, my life's been pretty pointless, right? And not just mine... It's just that spending your time going to school, working the same job, trying to advance in your profession, pay bills, pay off student loans, have relationships that are never quite satisfying (and I'm talking on all levels) because you can never devote as much time to them as you'd like because you had to do all the things... doesn't really lead to anything exciting. Nothing that really made anyone's life better. So then, you're stuck looking at your last day and thinking "Hmm".

So yeah, Tim McGraw (? Is that who sings that song? I can't be bothered to google search) can sing about skydiving and Rocky Mountain climbing and giving forgiveness, but that only works if you've got a long time before you die (which, to be fair, he mentions in his song). If it's a day... Well, may just end up being the same crap you've done forever that is ultimately meaningless anyway. Unless you have kids. In that case, know that your death will ruin their lives forever. And maybe write them a letter. Or something. Not that anything is going to minimize the problems you'll cause.

Maybe that's the attraction of blogging. Some way to note that you were here. That you existed for a moment. That maybe someone will remember you. But... really. Probably not. Even the most successful blogs can be forgotten after a while. Hyperbole and a Half, anyone?

So yeah... Last days... Tough. Maybe being nicer to the people you interact with regularly? Hoping that'll erase a lifetime of being horrible and selfish? Giving your stuff to the poor? Theoretically, you could just write a will and not spend your time just handing it out. Watching movies you never got around to? Yeah, that'll matter in the long run. Video games... Hum. That's a definite one. Way to forget anything is going to happen to you. But really also pretty meaningless. Writing letters to people? That could be a thing. Not dying? Presumably, you'd have tried that already. Telling people you cared about them? Only works if you did. And really, is that going to matter when you're dead? Most people already know and care only vaguely about it, if at all (personal life bias, again). Doing stuff you enjoy? Yeah, that'd be great if you could. Except you probably can't or else you'd have been doing it already. I'm coming up blank. Praying is a popular internet answer. But that seems vaguely boring. If you believe in the afterlife, you'll presumably have eternity to hang out with your deity of choice and ask questions directly, so why bother with that on your last day?

I genuinely have no ideas. This is why I stopped working the suicide line. Listening makes you more depressed and the more depressed you are, the more you start thinking that maybe they have a definite point. Not all of them. Clearly. And really, not anyone who actually has a family because no matter how they seem to feel about you, again, dying is going to make their life crap. Even if they've not seen you in months. Trust me. Crap. But people who are alone? Who are certain their lives won't amount to anything. 

Yeah, so as I was writing that, I realized that I didn't agree with any of it. There's really not a good reason to kill yourself. You can never be sure stuff won't get better. And there are people who are going to die tomorrow and can't do anything about it and wish they had longer to live, so... Yeah. Not wasting opportunities that you have would be good.

But still... No answer for what to do with your last day, unless you've known about it for a while. Maybe just... Nothing?