Gratitude challenge - Day 2

Today, I'm really grateful for work-provided insurance. I have a high deductible plan that I dump money into from each paycheck, so I pay the out-of-pocket cost for most things, but frankly, it's lovely to have tax-free money I can use for medical expenses. I had to go to the doctor today and for approximately 15 minutes of actual doctor time, I got to pay $281. That doesn't include the cost of medication or the $140 they pulled from my HSA just to book the appointment, but whatever. At least I wasn't sad about it. Except in theory because of the ridiculousness of the medical system and the fact that I think doctors are horrendously overpaid. I digress... I'm grateful for health insurance and for savings accounts.

Gratitude Challenge - Day 1

Supposedly, one of the cures for depression is gratitude, which I find to be a fascinating claim, albeit one with very few peer-reviewed support. Perhaps because "being grateful" is a nebulous term or perhaps because I didn't feel like putting a ton of effort into researching the question. Anyway, theoretically, this will keep me happier and writing more frequently, so there's no real downside, is there? Onto day 1 of the 30 day gratitude challenge.

I'm grateful for computers. I have something like 3 computers at my house right now that I use for various purposes (1 for work, 1 for gaming -- dedicated graphics card is awesome, and 1 for personal work). Most things I do require a computer and the majority of my interactions are computer-based (not my fault I travel for work a lot and email constantly), so I'm glad to be computer-literate. 

Movies

It's weird how much of what you become and are comes from your parents and family. I watched Beauty and the Beast this morning and it just made me feel... good. Safe. Warm. Thinking back on it (because of course I have to analyze everything), I realized that it reminds me of my parents. Of being young. Of going to a movie theater with my family for one of the first times I remember and having a little kid exclaim at the end "He looks like Jesus!". Which we're all thinking. It reminds me of trips to voice lessons with my mother, trying to learn to sing "Tale as Old as Time", encouragements by both of my parents to read, conversations about original fairy tales and taking care of family as one of the core values to be embraced.

So, of course, this is leading to me tearing up at work because one movie sums up everything I loved about my childhood, but still. Movies.

Twitter

Sometimes I wish I was on Twitter because I have a lot of thoughts I would like to share with the world, but I'm not because then my thoughts would be out there... At the Library of Congress. FOREVER. Or until they realize that not all the thoughts of this generation are gems and keepers. I mean, yes, I'd like to tweet about how my skin hurts and is that weird? Or about how I feel bad for my coworkers as I eat a sandwich as quietly as possible or all the other things I believe are HILARIOUS, but in reality are not. So, actually you're welcome, internet, for me not subjecting you to a steady stream of my non-hilarious thoughts.

But still, sorry co-workers. I'm taking an early lunch break and eating my sandwich at my desk. I only have 15 minutes if I want to leave early, so....

Let's be honest here...

Sometimes, I'm mostly crazy. Why else would I be working in the middle of the night even though I have to go to work tomorrow, then get on a plane directly after work to visit someone who may or may not pick me up? I've also thrown in lunch with S. even though I'm overbooked from 11:00 - 2:00 and my flight leaves fairly soon after that. Yep. Crazy. Insane. Obsessive. I am, always have been and likely always will be.

It's the middle of the night, so why not overshare? Here is my sad story which has made me terrified of hanging out with people. Prepare to be horrified, future me. That's what the edit button is for.

The Saddest Story

So, once upon a time, I was madly in love (eh... Vaguely in love? Obsessed with someone?) with this guy. Who was a tool. Let's call him T-bag. 

So, I was fairly young and T-bag was older... Perfect age gap and everything. I didn't have a car and T-bag lived an hour away from me. One day - and honestly, I can't remember if I decided to do this or if it was requested - I decided that it would be completely reasonable to go visit T-bag after school and work because he was so awesome, perfect, funny... Whatever. Yes, we all make terrible mistakes at times. 

Anyway, I'm still awake enough to not finish this story. It involves a lot of buses, being forgotten at a bus station, having to take additional buses to meet up with this gem and hiding in a basement. I was an idiot. 

The moral of the story is that I now hate and I mean HATE being dependent on other people to pick me up from anything or have expectations that they will in any way shape or form be reasonable. I mean, most people are. The only person's who's ever ditched me at an airport is my best friend of like... over a decade and it was ditched only insofar as she didn't show up to say hi in time when I had a two hour layover. I was displeased, but not terribly surprised. Flakiness is not a deterrent to friendship. I can be... flaky-ish at times. Like I'll show up for things, but I'll probably get lost on the way. Years of being ridiculously late because I got off on the wrong highway exit and didn't realize I was going the wrong way have made me obsessive when it comes to being on time for really important things like work and interviews and such. It's taken a while, though...

*** Sidenote, I just googled myself to see if this would show up and one of the results was a wikipedia entry for Karl Rove. What is that about? I'd love to hang out with Karl Rove, honestly. 

Yeah, so it's taken me forever to get the hang of this being on time thing. And I still only really do it for work and other official things. That may be why traveling is so stressful for me. You're always super dependent on others, whether it be friends, family, that limo driver, etc. Whatever. I have no clue what I'm saying right now. It'll be good.

More unfiltered thoughts

• I hate google. I really do. At no point in my life have I thought "You know what? I don't think all the information about me is in a centralized enough location. I wish some internet giant somewhere would take it upon themselves to gather everything I've done, everything I've reviewed and every search I've made and will ever make and just put it somewhere. For people to see. Because I'm proud of my life and want people to know that I just searched for 'how to take a screenshot on my phone'." That has never happened. 
• My favorite website, Mr. Money Mustache, is not available. I don't think I understand the internet anymore. Seriously internet. I am this close to going back to pen, paper and encyclopedias. YOU ARE ON THIN ICE.
• I honestly don't think the internet takes my threats seriously. 
• I once was on a diet. Ha. That's funny. I'm constantly pretending to be on a diet. Um, but yeah. I was on a diet recently and I lost weight and then I was all "Hey, I'll eat whatever I want in large quantities" and now I feel sick. And fat. I did finish off that box of Klondike bars, so I guess temptation gone. Also, if I spend the entirety of tomorrow asleep, it'll be good. 
• The internet punished me by taking away my chat. Joke's on you, internet. I don't have anyone to chat to anyway. Sucka foo'. I'm not sure how to type that. I feel like erasing it, but that's not unfiltered at all. I'm going to strike it through. 
• One time, I was playing a game and got really attached to a completely  pointless NPC. I still think about Percy from time to time. 
• "Anyone who isn't us is an enemy." To some extent, I subscribe to this philosophy. I suspect people might be surprised at who I consider part of "us".
• 
  

Unfiltered thoughts

I don't think anyone's reading this, so this will be a fun little experiment in random thought publishing. There's a possibility potential employers will read this and will think I'm crazy, so it may backfire, but on the other hand, at least my page views will go up. Go optimism power! Activate!

• I accidentally made someone think I had a learning disability today. It's a weird thing. There's really not much you can do at that point. You can't back out and say "Oh no, I don't have a learning disability". Because then they'll think you're just ashamed of your admission. Not that I said I had a learning disability. I  said my mind didn't work the same as other people's according to the personality tests I took. Which is true. But it's not bad. There's nothing wrong with being a mastermind. Or overly logical and cautious. That's a good thing, right? But he clearly took it to mean "The tests told me I was retarded mentally." Which is a scientific term. Or used to be. And his response was "Don't let them tell you you're not good enough. You tell them you're awesome! You're wonderful!" And you know that overly cheery encouragements = oh, you poor thing. It's no "Walker told me I have aids", but still. Heh. Walker. Yeah. No way to really backtrack without sounding like a douche. Sidebar. Why is being a douche such a bad thing? 
• Sometimes I think it would be nice to be a little old lady and just say whatever I want. There's a guy on the train that I want to pat on the head and say "aren't you the sweetest thing", but I can't because I'm under 60. Or 70. But I have a soft spot for angry look guys with long hair who drum as they listen to music. When I'm 60, man. I will be able to pinch their angry little cheeks. With the straggly little beards.
• I'm really not looking forward to 60. I'm pretty sure you die after you're 30. I have no desire to ever be thirty. It's a thing. Oh, gods. I'm having a panic attack. 
• I'd say "This is why I'm single". But I'm not single. Why do people date me? What is wrong with them?! I'm clearly unwell. 
• I turned my phone off because my battery keeps dying. Is there more to that thought? No. Not really. Just a thought. 
• I've been playing this game on my phone and computer. It's become easy. I am disappointed. And also, unless I have a competitor... or money... I am hard to motivate. 
• YAY! Train end time. Very short thoughts. I'd post them on facebook but then everyone would know. EVERYONE would know. 
• I really want a hair cut like Black Widow in CA. Yeah. 

So I'm looking for a part-time job

In my quest to get enough money to someday pay off these loans, I'm trying to find a part-time job somewhere. My biggest problem is timing. While I only work 30 hours a week in theory, it ends up being more like 45 with travel. I know it's ridiculous, but that's the way it is. So, my ideal part-time job would have flexible hours, since sometimes my work requires me to be at random meetings... I'm trying to figure out what time I actually have available to work a part-time job. Well, another one.

So, my regular job requires me to be working (or in the process of getting from/to work) from 6:00 am - 6:00 pm. I try to work 3 days a week, if I can, though that changes depending on what meetings I have to attend. So, weekends would probably be good, even though Mondays are a day that I consistently have to be at work. I need to be asleep by 10:00 pm on the days before the days I'm at work, so that's something to think about.

I'd also like a job that's not too far from where I live or work now. Bleh. Sometimes I wonder about job applications for low level jobs. I mean, I don't understand why you would need a cover letter to work as a cleaning person. Is there anyone who thinks that cleaning out offices for $9.00 an hour is their life's dream? The majority of those jobs (I'm sure) are completely aware that people only apply because they need money and a flexible schedule. The jobs aren't typically hard. Just repetitive.

In the immortal words of Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

Phillip: You put the beef on the grill, hit the button, then it beeps. You flip the beef, hit the other button, then it beeps. You put it on the bun... there's not a button for that.

Buffy Summers: Repeat until insane.

As is perhaps evident, I'm not looking forward to working part-time jobs again. I mean, nothing against them, just... It sometimes feels like they don't make a dent in what I need to do. And I thought I'd kind of moved past them. The ideal scenario would be for my main job to pay more money. Enough money to pay for all my stuff and I'm working on that. I really am. I'm grateful for the work I have... It's just that it'd be easier to live if I had enough money to pay my debts. And this is not me talking. This is the federal government, which has decided that I really don't earn enough to do that and still have a reasonable life. Granted, I don't really care about their determinations, but I have stuff I want to do that I can't do without more money.

Sometimes, I wonder if I have skills that translate to money.

I don't know if I'm being morbid because of my new diet or if it's just general... I don't know, but I started thinking about what I'd do if I knew I'd die tomorrow.

The internet is full of answers about this... People who say they'd give their money to the poor, spend time with their friends, etc. The Fault in our Stars is essentially about living out your last moments until cancer kills you and all, but here's the thing... If you're dying tomorrow, that doesn't mean everyone else is. Is that going to be your legacy? That you called all your friends and family and made them super depressed about something they can't change? You're not suddenly going to have a ton of money (unless you've been saving it forever for something else) that you can access in a day. Cashing out retirement accounts and stuff takes time. People from work are still going to call and expect you to finish up your tasks and be upset that you didn't show up. I'm fairly certain my ideal last day doesn't involve dodging phone calls from my boss.


So that leaves the question... If today is really your last day... and you have the resources that you have on hand... and the people you care about don't share your fate... What do you do? This could be something that's a personal issue in my own life, but I don't have a ton of people who would drop everything because I mumble something about wanting to spend time with them. To be fair, I'm not even sure most would pick up or respond immediately, since usually there's more time later. So, is that how you spend your last day? Trying to track down people to make them spend time with you? Just because your life is ending doesn't mean they don't still have responsibilities.

I suppose you could tell them "Hey, I'm dying tomorrow, maybe let's hang out or something", but then you have to deal with the whole explaining thing, the comforting them, the "have you maybe considered getting a second opinion/not dying/anything else". Which frankly doesn't seem like fun. Because now you've wasted all that time and they're not going to be happy spending time with you because they're in shock that you're dying and super bummed about it. Or not, in which case you start to worry that maybe they don't care about you after all, so why are you spending time with these selfish jerks anyway?

It's probably simplified if you've had kids or accomplished some amazing thing in your life. Then you can die and think to yourself: "look upon my legacy; I was super awesome" and then you'll have built-in mourners. But really, most people? I mean, false confidence aside, my life's been pretty pointless, right? And not just mine... It's just that spending your time going to school, working the same job, trying to advance in your profession, pay bills, pay off student loans, have relationships that are never quite satisfying (and I'm talking on all levels) because you can never devote as much time to them as you'd like because you had to do all the things... doesn't really lead to anything exciting. Nothing that really made anyone's life better. So then, you're stuck looking at your last day and thinking "Hmm".

So yeah, Tim McGraw (? Is that who sings that song? I can't be bothered to google search) can sing about skydiving and Rocky Mountain climbing and giving forgiveness, but that only works if you've got a long time before you die (which, to be fair, he mentions in his song). If it's a day... Well, may just end up being the same crap you've done forever that is ultimately meaningless anyway. Unless you have kids. In that case, know that your death will ruin their lives forever. And maybe write them a letter. Or something. Not that anything is going to minimize the problems you'll cause.

Maybe that's the attraction of blogging. Some way to note that you were here. That you existed for a moment. That maybe someone will remember you. But... really. Probably not. Even the most successful blogs can be forgotten after a while. Hyperbole and a Half, anyone?

So yeah... Last days... Tough. Maybe being nicer to the people you interact with regularly? Hoping that'll erase a lifetime of being horrible and selfish? Giving your stuff to the poor? Theoretically, you could just write a will and not spend your time just handing it out. Watching movies you never got around to? Yeah, that'll matter in the long run. Video games... Hum. That's a definite one. Way to forget anything is going to happen to you. But really also pretty meaningless. Writing letters to people? That could be a thing. Not dying? Presumably, you'd have tried that already. Telling people you cared about them? Only works if you did. And really, is that going to matter when you're dead? Most people already know and care only vaguely about it, if at all (personal life bias, again). Doing stuff you enjoy? Yeah, that'd be great if you could. Except you probably can't or else you'd have been doing it already. I'm coming up blank. Praying is a popular internet answer. But that seems vaguely boring. If you believe in the afterlife, you'll presumably have eternity to hang out with your deity of choice and ask questions directly, so why bother with that on your last day?

I genuinely have no ideas. This is why I stopped working the suicide line. Listening makes you more depressed and the more depressed you are, the more you start thinking that maybe they have a definite point. Not all of them. Clearly. And really, not anyone who actually has a family because no matter how they seem to feel about you, again, dying is going to make their life crap. Even if they've not seen you in months. Trust me. Crap. But people who are alone? Who are certain their lives won't amount to anything. 

Yeah, so as I was writing that, I realized that I didn't agree with any of it. There's really not a good reason to kill yourself. You can never be sure stuff won't get better. And there are people who are going to die tomorrow and can't do anything about it and wish they had longer to live, so... Yeah. Not wasting opportunities that you have would be good.

But still... No answer for what to do with your last day, unless you've known about it for a while. Maybe just... Nothing?

Day 1 - The Plan

So, as I was saying yesterday, I discovered a lot of financial blogs that I enjoyed a lot and paid off my credit cards and car debt and all that jazz. Then I got depressed. I had several thousand dollars of student loan debt and a crappy salary and I was sick of being deprived, working in a cubicle and dealing with my life in general. I'm still all of those thing, btw. So, instead of paying off debt or working to be better, I gave up. I  started spending my money on visiting people and new places and just ignored the happy debt that seems to be mounting. Now, don't get me wrong, it is fun. I like seeing friends and visiting new places and doing new things. It's awesome. It's just that I realized this week that I could do more of those things if I had more money. The majority of my money right now goes to pay other people, which is completely ridiculous. Or save for retirement, which is also silly because it's unlikely that's going to happen. The getting old. Not retiring. I hope to retire sooner that I get old because I'd like to actually enjoy my free time. And the best way to do that is to pay my debts off sooner.

That brings us to the plan. As I said, I love Mr. Money Mustache and would love to be way more logical in the way I approach debt, but... Not sure that's going to happen. So, I'm going to turn to what I think is financial planning for dummies: The Dave Ramsey Method. The truth about this is that it's not great. Paying off the smallest debt with the lowest interest is definitely not the most efficient or fastest way to do anything, BUT it's better than nothing, which is what most people do. Also, his hatred of credit cards is ridiculous, unless, again, you're an idiot with low self-control. If you are, then yeah, you probably shouldn't have a credit card. So... I'm going to follow a modified version of the Baby Steps, with some advice from MMM. This is primarily because I have SOME self-control, but I also know myself well enough to realize that I'll get really depressed if I do one or the other. I was doing Dave Ramsey before, which was fine, but the truth is that it didn't make enough of a dent. I paid off debts that had very very low payments associated with them, so even though they were gone, that 43 cents I got extra every month was not enough to motivate me to be better.


So, here's the idea. I'm going to look at my debts and pay off the ones with the highest ROI first. And the ones that will give me that high first. So, first things first, gotta figure out the payments and all that. Thank goodness there's a handy little chart available at http://www.vertex42.com/Calculators/debt-reduction-calculator.html. It's an Excel table that calculates all sorts of nifty things for you.

	Creditor Information Table

	Creditor Information Table
Row	Creditor	Balance	Rate	Payment	Custom	Interest-only
1	Card #1	1,516.05	0.00%	25.00		0.00
2	Car	-	0.00%	-		0.00
3	Student Loan #1	2,326.75	1.86%	10.27		3.61
4	Student Loan #2	2,935.17	1.86%	12.96		4.55
5	Student Loan #3	7,893.80	6.30%	34.02		41.45
6	Student Loan #4	5,077.80	6.30%	21.88		26.66
7	Student Loan #5	4,680.58	6.30%	20.17		24.58
8	Student Loan #6	1,500.08	1.86%	7.39		2.33
9	Student Loan #7	8,542.17	6.55%	36.84		46.63
10	Student Loan #8	13,883.76	6.55%	59.83		75.79
11	Student Loan #10	7,601.21	6.55%	32.76		41.49
12	Student Loan	7,308.65	5.50%	98.00		33.50
13	Student Loan #9	8,557.23	6.55%	36.90		46.71
14						0.00
	Total:	71,823.25	Total:	396.02

So, according to the debt snowball (lowest balance first), I'd end up paying around $19,000 in interest and be done in May 2025 if I paid a total of $500 towards my debts each month. (Yes, I have other debts, but they're ongoing - insurance, mortgage, etc. I'm only listing things I can pay off for real here). The debt avalanche (highest interest first) would have me pay $15,000ish in interest and be done is 2024. That's vaguely better, but still not great... So...

***Side note, I probably shouldn't list that credit card on here. ***

I'm going to do a custom thing to determine how to pay it off, trying to pay off the ones that will free up the most money first, then moving to the next ones. As you can see, some of those aren't even getting paid the minimum interest, but I suspect that'll change as soon as they're done recalculating my minimums or something. 

For me, the biggest thing is probably maximizing my current earnings. I have some extra money, but an extra $200 a month could be something like $10k in interest savings. Also, no way am I taking 10 years to pay this off. That's ridiculous. I intend to be debt free by January 22, 2016. Don't know how yet, but I'm going to work on it. 

So, first things first:
- Dave Ramsey and Man vs. Debt recommendations: Sell your stuff. I'm also really fond of the Richest Man in Babylon, so I'll also be saving 10% of my income just because. So, this week (I'm having this run from Wednesday to Wednesday), I'm aiming to sell the stuff in my basement. It's been there for 2 years, so I'm clearly not using any of it. Except for my books. God help anyone who touches my books. Unless I leave the state, in which case, fine. >.>
- Optimize my income. This is a Ramit Sethi thing, which I think is often overlooked by most financial gurus. I like his stuff, but it comes with the unfortunate downside of him wanting to be paid a lot of money for his courses. I get that it's probably a great investment, blah blah blah, but I'm not in a position where paying someone 3 grand is feasible. Even if it does get a 100k job. Also, buried in his site, he has stuff like not everyone can earn 100k and explains that it's for top performers. I'm not sure I'm a top performer and unless he has some analysis out there saying that I can earn that, it may not be worth my money right now. What IS worth my money is taking the patent bar. If nothing else, I can write patents. I mean, I studied them. I really want to do copyrights and trademarks, but patents are also amusing. So, those are my things. And there may be other ways to make more money...

Money and Debts

If you ask people I know what my main characteristic is, you'd likely get an answer somewhere along the lines of "likes money". I'd say that it's inaccurate, except it's really accurate. I have other things I enjoy, of course, but money is my passion. I like reading about it, talking about, thinking about it, etc. Which makes for some uncomfortable conversations. 

When I worked in surveys, I was once told that Americans would rather discuss their sex lives than how much they make. From conversations with friends, I'm starting to believe it's true. Nobody will ever admit to how much they make, except for a select few people that I consider close friends. Now, I'm not sure if they tell me because they also consider me a close friend or if I'm more likely to be friends with people who like to discuss money, but whatever. 

*** This would be a good time to go off on a tangent and whine about how I don't really understand the bonds of friendship and how I'd like my friends to like me more, but it's hard to make someone like you more if they won't tell you how much they like you now and why is it so difficult to quantify liking because I do it all the time... Friends have levels: people you don't have to schedule anything with because whatever will be good, even if it ends up being lying on a couch talking about music, dates, or terrorizing a Walmart after midnight; people you know well enough to wear minimal clothing and  be yourself around; people who are friendly enough that you wouldn't mind spending 4-5 hours around; people who need a set activity; brunch friends, etc. Yes. I think about this a lot. Oddly enough, most people I've dated don't fall super high on this spectrum. I don't think I've ever dated someone that I felt comfortable enough to not have scheduled activities or just be myself around. Maybe that tells me something about my process for choosing romantic interests versus friends. I'm WAY pickier about friends. ANYWAY. Not going off on that tangent. Clearly. But seriously, people. LIKE ME. Not everyone. Just the people I consider to be friends. Which is not super useful because I don't think anyone reads this blog, so....

***

So, where was I? Definitely not on a tangent that is completely irrelevant to everything to do with money. Fine. Money and relationships. Those are my things. Not necessarily romantic relationships. I'm an Aquarius after all. 

Okay, so I went to law school. And though I had scholarships and stuff through my undergrad and graduate careers, my parents were essentially completely broke when I was in college, so I didn't actually get anything from them. I'd also never had a job and spent most of my time pursuing d***holes jerks, so it's not terribly surprising that I graduated from school with a lot of student loans. I've had some trouble finding a job that pays anything close to what I'd need to pay off my loans (according to the federal government), so I've been in Income Based Repayment since I graduated. I have a tendency to not be great with money, because I spend when I'm sad. Which is frequently (especially when I'm in a relationship... Hum, I'm starting to see a correlation between things). I also had a lot of debts to pay off from my first relationship (let's not talk about it), so a few years ago, I started to get serious about my life and decided to change my financial picture around. 

When I first graduated, I had a 23% car loan, among other ridiculous obligations and a very vague understanding of how student loans actually worked. I'm pretty sure I was under the impression that they were free money. Here's a tidbit for anyone who's still confused. They aren't. They actually expect you to pay that back. No matter how long you spend in school, they will still be looming over you eventually. 

So, one day... I actually remember it really clearly because I was stressed out of my mind while eating the hotel's free breakfast, I saw something about a guy who had paid off his Harvard debt in just a few years and was clearly, in all ways, better than me. Now, I hate admitting that people are better than me, so the first thing I did was look him up so I could emulate his lifestyle and beat his record, then taunting him in my head. Spoiler alert... Did not happen that way. 

But anyway, as part of my reading about his debt repayment plan, I found one of my favorite websites EVER! Mr. Money Mustache (especially his early stuff). So, I've embarked on a journey to be better. And pay off my debt so I can be free to do whatever jobs I want and pursue my other passions. Somehow... Relationships are probably improved by money, right? And vice versa. 

So, summary. Here's my financial picture, courtesy of Mint.com. 

Student Loans: $70,893.55

Credit card (0% - I use it for springy debt purposes and rewards. Can you say free trip to visit friends?): $2,267.00

Investments: $16,361.00. I'm not sure if I can count this because it's not like I can access it at all. It's all in accounts that I can't touch until I'm old. I'm not as daring as the NMHD guy. I like having retirement accounts. 

So, my goal is to pay off this crapton of debt, using my current salary of about $35,000 - $45,000 a year and any raises, new jobs, what-nots I may get. 

Thoughts

So, I just started reading a blog about travel (http://youngadventuress.com/2013/02/breaking-up-to-travel.html), which I've been kinda sorta thinking about doing, except not really because I don't want to live in another country, unless it's AMAZING, but I do want to visit places and travel the world. I'd rather move to another place in the US and see if I like it than live in another country, honestly. Maybe it's because I've lived in other places and didn't care for all the traveling all that much. Bleh.

Astrid is not an addict

This is not a picture of a cat doing cocaine. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't even know where to get cocaine. Or maybe she would because she was a street cat, but she's never talked to me about it if she does. Not that she talks to me at all. But yeah, she's not on drugs. This was likely just cream that I had stuffed her nose into. She was probably really happy about. But general levels of happiness. Not drug levels of happiness.

Why yes, coworker, I do find your behavior unreasonable

For some ungodly reason, I am at work right now. And alert. Usually, at 3:06 am, my main thoughts are "Why are there no blankets on me?" or "Next time, I will definitely get this done while at work", but not today. Today, I'm working at my little mental institution (It's not mine because I own it or because I live there, even though I've had conversations with people where they've told me that they suspect that I really am a patient/client and I've just tricked everyone into believing that I'm an employee even though I never wear a badge and my bosses never actually see me... Anyway... They're wrong. But if they were right, I'd be the most awesome crazy person ever and as such, I probably shouldn't even be a patient, so really, I would be doing the entire place a favor.) and started the nightly cleaning. Apparently, that was a signal for my coworker, previously asleep in front of the tv, that he should start his cleaning. Which is ridiculous because the entire purpose of having two people employed on the graveyard shift is so that one of them can stay at the desk and answer the phones while the other one does some cleaning. With every other person I've worked with, this has been implied and seemingly makes sense. Not with this guy. EVERY SINGLE TIME. He does this. Invariably, I come back to the desk to answer phones and rant about how he's weird. Let's not even talk about the fact that he carries a club around that he's a little weird.


Anyway, it's not a big deal and I should be less annoyed. We're clearly very different, by which I mean that I am anal retentive and he is completely oblivious to the purpose of his job. He also empties the trash from my side of the facility, which is weird. Unless he cleans only the side that I am working on... Whatever.

The highlight of my day so far (the last three hours, not yesterday) has been finding out that Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a half is not actually dead. Or at least wasn't 3 or so months ago. See! Yay! I'm glad for her. Also, I have a lot of anxiety about bloggers talking about mental illnesses online. Not because they shouldn't, because they totally can and should if they feel comfortable doing so. I know it always makes me feel better to know that other people experience the same weirdness as I do. (On a somewhat related note, S and I were reading Let's Pretend This Never Happened, the book by The Bloggess and I knew what a cistern was and told S that I had one and that it was awesome and then I realized that I didn't actually have a cistern as a child because we had a reservoir, which was likely much bigger than a cistern. And also that I am not the only person who will hide in a bathroom when faced with social situations I don't understand. There are a lot of them. It's usually fine, though, unless it's a funeral, in which case, I freak out because being in the same room as a dead body and chatting is weird to me and I don't think it really is helpful behavior, unless by helpful people mean "making sure this person isn't a zombie because they aren't moving". So that funeral was accompanied by me freaking out in the bathroom until it was over and calling my parents and sobbing because all the people were weird and there was death and it smelled like death and I couldn't leave because I had to be supportive, but I wasn't being supportive because I was hiding in a bathroom when I really should have been with S and talking to my in-laws about their loss, but I couldn't do that because of the aforementioned sobbing and the slight shrieking. So, yeah. I think funerals cause me to have panic attacks. Or maybe just that one. I don't go to a lot of funerals. I think I've been to one prior to that one and I don't remember much about it except that I wore a dress I stole from my mother that I still wear to church periodically and I was trying to be sad even though I didn't really know my great-grandfather. If I could go back, I would tell 8 year old me to stop worrying that I couldn't summon sadness because I would eventually be able to summon a lot of sadness at everything because I developed so much guilt over not being sad enough about things over the years. I can't remember where I was going with this. Maybe I'm not as alert as I thought. I use too many ellipses. I would strike them through so that I could show how many ellipses I use, but periods don't really work that way.)


So, yeah. Bloggers talking about mental illness. I think it's great, but I do wonder if it helps that people come out of the woodwork and are all "You think you have it bad? Well, let me tell you about how bad I have it and will continue to have it. Also, I love you so much." The last part is probably really helpful, but the rest bugs me. Whenever I read posts about people with depression or anxiety, I feel like I should tell them that they aren't alone and that might help, but at the same time, nobody experiences everything the same. I know I've felt really upset when people have tried to empathize with me before. I'll be in the middle of telling someone that I'm sad about something and don't feel well, and they'll chime in with their own sad story, which makes me feel like I should be focusing on them instead of me. Can't people just have their own sadness and have others just be supportive? I mean, I think that stories with concrete "this is how I got out of this" or "and then I felt better, so you can too" are helpful, but I'm not so sure about the stories about people who have struggled for years. I know that doesn't usually help me. It just makes me feel like I'm a whiny b****. Oh, ABC, how I love you for making that a reasonable thing to say and type.


The guy is cleaning all the things. Or at least mopping all the things, which is weird because he's not mopping it the way I would do it and I wanted to clean. I STARTED CLEANING ALREADY, you jerk! Normally, I wouldn't be mad at someone doing my job for me, but in this case I am. He's not doing it to the standard that I would do it and I usually use my cleaning time as zen-music listening staying awake time. I don't understand why he can't just be better. I'm sure he thinks the same thing about me. I bet he's thinking that I'm just this lazy person right now who always stops working right when he starts in an attempt to get him to do my job. ARGH. I hate all the things right now. I would call S except it's 3:30 in the morning and last time I made a decision at that time, I ended up with felons almost living in my house. Which I'd be fine with except that I'm pretty sure it would be a conflict of interest due to my other jobs.

*** UPDATE*** He totally did not do his job at all. Which is mopping the floor in the entryway. He really does just do things that I've already started to do. What is the deal with that? Is he unaware of what his job is? Probably. What do I DO?!!! Anxiety setting in. Do I do the stuff that he should have done? Because I don't want to and I don't think that's fair. Also, the mop has disappeared. But the people coming in the morning are super-picky and also hate me because I dodge their phone calls. AHHHHH....


So yeah... Less alert than I thought I was. Just full of unreasonable anger. Maybe the unreasonable coworker is me. I wish I could convey tone through type. That last sentence would be artificially sincere and be all sarcastic. Also, if you're awake right now, S, go to sleep. Just because I'm not hogging the tv with korean soap operas does not mean you should play Skyrim all night. Actually, whatever. You're an adult. I can't really fault you for doing whatever you want. Because again. ADULT.


I think I'm going to read more funny blogs now. Or keep reading that book. Maybe ponder my goals and my lack of progress on them.

Last Year vs. This Year

I subscribe to a service called Penzu, which allows me to journal online and, for some odd reason, also sends me updates about what I wrote in my journal years ago on the same day. Today, I got an update about two years ago, when I was in the middle of bar preparation and pondering my week. I thought I'd set a schedule to see how I've advanced... Or not. 
2012


Monday: July 2


6:30 - 7:30 Prepare for work
7:30 - 6:00 Work
6:30 - 7:30 Dinner - I forgot to defrost the chicken, so... soup, salad and pasta it is/ Water plants
7:30 - 8:00 Clean up from dinner
8:00 - 9:00 Hang out with S.
10:00 - 5:30 Sleep




Tuesday: July 3
 6:30 - 8:00 Balloons with S. 
8:00 - 8:30 Grocery shopping
8:30 - 12:30 Work
12:30  - 5:00 Movie watching or going home. If movies, Magic Mike and Spiderman; if home, unpacking games and cleaning
5:00 - 7:00 Freedom days and colonial fest  with S. 
7:00 - 10:00 Cooking and cleaning
11:00 - 8:00 Sleep


Wednesday: July 4
8:00 - 10:00 Clean and set up
10:00 - 12:00 Read
12:00 - 2:00 Set up better - Cook
2:30 - 6:30 Games and food
6:30 - 10:30 Unknown
11:00 - 6:30 Sleep


Thursday: July 5
7:30 - 6:00 Work
6:30 - 8:30 Cook, clean, eat
8:30 - 10:30 Sit around with S
10:30- 6:30 Sleep



2010 
Friday: July 2
5:30-8:30 Balloons with S.
9:30 - 2:00 Sleep
2:15-7:00 am Work
Saturday July 3
7:30- 2:00 Sleep
2:15-7:00 am: Work
Sunday July 4
7:30- 2:00 Sleep
2:15-10:30 Work
10:30-7:30 Sleep
Monday July 5
8:30- 11:00 Parade
12:00-2:00 Bar Review: Contracts 2
2:15-10:45 Work
11:00-7:15 Sleep
Tuesday July 6
8:00-12:00 Contracts 3
12:00-1:00 Lunch
1:00 - 5:00 Real Property 1
5:00 - 6:00 Dinner
6:00 - 10:00 Real Property 2
Wednesday July 7
7:00 - 10:00 Real Property 3
10:00- 12:00 S. or something
12:00 - 2:00 Idaho Essay and MPT workshop
2:15 - 10:45 Work






In theory, I have a lot less to do this year, but in practice, I feel much more overwhelmed this year than when I knew what to study and what to do at work. I like my job a lot now, but it's really not as low-key as my previous one. Especially with the driving. Maybe I'll just move. That'll solve my problems, right? Except that I am just starting a yard renewal thing... Oh well...

Challenges

No, this is not a post about my life sucking, which to be fair, it really doesn't lately. I have been struggling with things that stem completely from my view of the world and some issues I've had in the past, but rationally speaking, my life is fine right now.

That being said, this summer is shaping up to be one of the busiest I've had in a while because of my new job, not counting that summer where I did three internships in three different cities, two of them simultaneously. So, in order to suck the marrow from the bones of the meager time I have to myself, I'm planning on some challenges that will motivate me. First, a caveat. (I really shouldn't say first because I haven't been keeping on topic very well, so it really should be third or fourth or something. But I digress... Again.) I have a nasty tendency to be really "into" things for brief periods of time, whether it be a particular person who I just have to hang out with because I think they're the bee's knees; a type of food that I just adore (my sushi kick comes to mind); or tv shows that I watch in a week (in order of descending recentness: Boys Over Flowers; Bones; Arrested Development; Raising Hope; My Name is Earl; countless anime, etc...). It's a ridiculous habit and usually ends with me not being interested in that person; food; or thing for a really long time after the initial infatuation. Wreaks definite havoc on my relationships. (Speaking of, I recently became a regular at a little cafe where I work and the people started to know my name and orders before I put them in and do some kind of version of the whole Greek Opa thing when I came in. Then, I got really freaked out and decided they were probably spitting in my food because I rarely tip them because I don't usually have cash and they don't give me the receipts to sign. Which I really think is their own fault. They would get more tips if they made people sign. I'm not opposed to tipping... I just don't carry cash. So I think it would be unfair to spit in my food, but I ordered a loaded baked potato and one end of it was foamy, which could have been melted butter, but because I'm not sure that it was melted butter and not spit, I've decided not to go there unless they have a really delicious lunch special and if they do, I'll just call it in instead of email and then definitely tip. I also just realized that I no longer have any cash, which is probably from my inability to do math and also giving S my cash to buy shaved ice... Which brings me back to the topic at hand.) (Just looking at that giant wall of text makes me feel bad for S. He says he likes to hear me talk and I really hope he does because it is HARD to get me to stop talking when I get started.)

*** Update. I just found another place near my work that has Greek food and daily specials. Woot! Except I'll have to work longer because I typically don't get a lunch hour. But still... Lemon chicken over rice plus a Greek salad sounds delicious


Okay. Starting over again. Challenges for the summer... Because I like to get things done and blog about how cool (or sucky) I am.

1. Taste every single flavor at the snow cone shack near our house. Not the fancy one. The cheap one. And rate them. Estimated cost: at $1.50 per cone, probably around $90
2. Watch  all of Angel
3. Run a mile without getting out of breath
4. Fit into a size 4.
5. Eat a whole bountiful basket in a week

So, that's the plan for this summer so far... I'll bet I add more on eventually.

In which the kittens take over

I think I started writing a post about summer plans recently. I could look back at my posts and figure out if I actually did post it, but right now I'm lazy. S is taking a shower and I'm debating going into work today. I had initially planned on going in on Thursday and Friday, but I have no real plans for today, other than playing Skyrim, which isn't necessarily a great thing. Life is pretty good right now though.

I started fostering cats and kittens, with S's dubious approval and it's been a crazy experience. Those tiny kittens are fairly monstrous at times, but also just so cute! I can't help but post pictures. S's pictures because mine are usually horrible.

That is Henry. Who is still with us because he's apparently anorexic. Not a demon cat. He's all hair and bones. He gained some weight, then got into a plant and started vominting off the weight. Sure, the humane society says that he's just the runt and will get better now that his siblings are gone, but he can't fool me. He clearly has an eating disorder and needs kitty therapy.

There. The saga of the kittens and their mom, Astrid. I loved having them around, but it's been a real relief to know that they're finally gone and at good homes. 4 of the kittens were returned to the Humane Society, and all 4 of them were adopted in 4 days. Now, we just have to work on getting Astrid and Henry out of here and adopted by good pet parents. How could anyone resist those cute gray faces, though?

Just for good measure, though....

Henry... In all his non-demonic glory.

In Which I Post Because I'm Not a Great Person

I don't have anything of any real incidence to say tonight, but S posted, so I feel like I should as well. I did say that I wasn't a great person. It's fairly hard to motivate me, other than by presenting me with a competition or telling me that I'll be able to sleep more. I'm not sure S knows that this is a competition, but as of now, it totally is.
I'm kidding. It's not a competition. That would be ridiculous. Competing with a blog writer who has no idea I'm doing it would be just silly. Ha... *nervous laughter*

I work in a  mental health institution (among other things, including starting a law firm... I need to actually talk to my first potential client... Hum) and lately, that's been causing me a lot of anxiety. Not because it's hard, or even because 3 people went to the hospital during my shift last week... I don't think talking to me would cause normal people to lose their minds, so it really can only be their own fault. *more nervous laughter*.

No. The real problem is that I'm afraid I'm losing my mind here because I keep measuring myself on the same bar as they measure the SPMI population (I believe those letters stand for seriously persistently mentally ill population). For instance, my daily monologue has gone from "Did I challenge myself today? How am I moving towards my goals?" to "Did I get out of bed today? Did I crap myself? Yes and No. Great. Good to go." That makes things that I always wanted to do, but didn't because they would seem crazy suddenly seem more accepptable. For example, laughing loudly at my own internal monolgue used to be a no-no, but now, if I have my clothes on, I think that's probably okay. Among other things I now find acceptable: hiding in the bathroom when I don't want to deal
with clients, random outbursts of words I find nice-sounding, calling my husband "corporal kitten-face", and the list goes on and on.

I'm afraid for myself. Very afraid.

Midnight Again

I recently had my wisdom teeth out, so I'm learning a new appreciation for food that isn't mashed. I'm also trying to figure out what to buy people for Christmas with very little success. Usually, I'm able to find some quirky gift that people will appreciate, but this year, I'm all out. Perhaps it has something to do with the lack of fun in my life this year. Ever since S and I both started working full-time on opposite schedules, doing anything other than sleeping has seemed difficult. I did find two gifts on Etsy today, though, so there's that. And 3 or 4 on amazon, so I'm pretty pleased about that. The Christmas season is definitely stressful.

But I digress. This is about food. Though, tangentially, gifts brought the food into existence. Recently, (or not that recently), I gave my parents airline ticket vouchers for their 40th wedding anniversary, in the hopes that they would use them to go somewhere fun. They have not. And have been trying to give them back to me because they expire in late February to early March. I am unwilling to accept that because that would in essence mean that I gave them absolutely nothing for their 40th wedding anniversary, which I'm not prepared to embrace. So, the plan is to now get a groupon to hotels in California (near the Redwoods, where they want to stay) and actually just organize a vacation for them. Unfortunately, that requires money.

Again... Veering towards food, I swear. I went to livingsocial.com to look for deals and saw an awesome deal on a Thailand vacation and was instantaneously struck with a desire for Thai food that I can make quickly, using the ingredients I have at work. So, the journey begins.

With any luck, updates later.

Realization of the day: I don't hate law.

So, I spent the majority of my time at law school kicking myself for being there and wishing I could have made another choice, but after graduating, I've made one realization: I don't actually hate the legal system, just law school. That isn't to say that I don't sometimes think about doing something else. So far, I've considered high school teacher, guidance counselor, therapist, stay-at-home mom, etc... But really, the only job I've done for over a year that doesn't make me want to stab myself is legal work.
True, I haven't exactly done lawyering, per se, since I've only passed the Idaho bar and I live in Utah now, but I do associate/clerk work and have since 2008 and I love it. Some of it. Sometimes, I get annoyed when I have to work on a case for a client I think is stupid, but for the msot part, I like the challenge of it. I also like finding loopholes.

Also, I like legal writing a lot better now that my professor isn't there to watch me like a hawk and tell me how bad my writing is. Since I've started writing for actual firms, the majority of the time, my briefs are sufficiently convincing to the court. Of course, that may have something to do with the oral arguments presented by the actual attorneys, but after working for a judge, I'm fairly sure that the writing and argumetns play a large part. Maybe I'm just excited because the judge granted summary judgment in an estate case I worked on, or maybe I'm giving myself courage before the bar. Also... I'm not certain I want to do patent work. Trademark and copyrights are my passion, honestly. Patents are fine and writing them is like a puzzle, but sometimes I wonder if the PTO should just reject almost everything as obvious. I mean, some things really aren't that innovative, no matter how you present them.

So, I think that, having realized that I do know what I want to do with my life, I can go forward with renewed vigor. I still want to chill a bit before I start working full-time, since I'd like to have some time off to think and make sure this is what I want for my life. And maybe I still would like to a therapist, but I definitely would be fine with being a lawyer. I've also started thinking about starting my own little practice or  something. I'd like to make a lot of money, but BigLaw doesn't appeal to me much anymore, unless it's in a D.C. firm. And even then, it would depend on the firm culture. But last time I interned, I felt like BigLaw was an extension of law school and law school was a nightmare for me. I want to feel like I'm helping people, using my people skills (be they non-existent or not) and advancing the profession, not just pushing papers as a cog in a giant organization or competing with all the other associates who all seem way smarter than me. So, dilemma. On one hand, I want a job where I can meet people my own age and make a ton of money, but I also want a lot of independence and the freedom to move in a direction I enjoy. Oh well, I suppose I'll start looking for a job on August 15th. That's the plan so far.